Updated: Dec 2, 2018
We all have a story that we're ashamed of. We all have some shit from the past. Time to let it go and start living the life to the fullest.
I’ve had a dream about losing a suitcase on the train. I could not remember what was in that suitcase but I left it next to the seat and got off the train.
I completely forgot about it.
Just before I was fully awake I’ve had that strange feeling of neediness to finish off this dream so I could not wake up, I was falling asleep and getting back into that dream. Trying to finish it off.
When I woke up I couldn’t stop thinking about it so I googled its meaning (even tho I’m not a wooo woo person) and I’ve found out that
dreaming about losing a suitcase is actually a good symbol in a dream. I’is a request to let go of baggage or past issues that you are carrying around.
And even tho I couldn’t remember what was in the suitcase I knew what baggage we are talking about. My marriage, the marriage I damaged…
So I decided to open that suitcase, to show you what’s there and give it back to a charity.
What I mean by that: I am going to tell you about the darkest side of me,
I am going to face what was bad about me and what I felt ashamed of and I will let it go and in the same time I know reading this will help you.
If you have any crappy stories that you hold onto, you will be moved to release them and let them go.
I got married when I was 25 years old. On facebook my life was looking perfect. Great holidays with a turquoise ocean in the background, always happy, always smiling, well paid jobs, quickly climbing a corporate ladder, loads of friends, always invited to a party, everything was shiny and beautiful.
But it wasn’t me. I didn’t do anything for myself.
I was studying chemistry so my dad was proud of me, working in a leadership position to prove myself that I’m worthy.
But I wasn’t doing anything for myself, nothing at all. And I’m not even talking about relax, that time I didn’t have a clue how can I relax. So I was working all the time.
I didn’t have any hobby rather than to go clubbing during the weekend. I couldn’t even quit smoking because I felt like I will lose a part of my identity.
And I’ve met somebody who was doing what he loved, not as much as he wanted to but more often than I did. He was hiking, going to the mountains… oh I love the mountains.. I’ve been there twice that year and every time it was finishing with the fight. The person who I was with didn’t enjoy it… so I wasn’t doing it. I wasn’t confident enough to do the things on my own. I didn’t even like going for a run on my own. He was my inspiration, he showed me the real part of me. I always had a passion for psychology, but I was hiding my self help books. To do not be laughed at (you know the titles are always quite strange for a person who doesn’t get that whole personal development thing). I wasn’t myself.
My life didn’t have a meaning, I didn’t do anything for others (later on I discovered that contribution is the most important of my personal values) and nothing for myself.
I knew that this is only FAKE me. I was smiling - because this was my way of pretending that everything is great.
But it wasn’t…
I started damaging everything that I could, because I felt like something is missing in my life. I didn’t know who I am. I wasn’t happy, definitely not fulfilled.
And I’ve fallen in love… with that person who was himself, who was real, who was doing what he loves (now we do it together and he can do it more often). It happened that quickly that before I realized we’ve had affair… I told my husband everything and I left.
Then my nightmare started - I hated myself and was unable to understand how I could do what I’ve done.
Honesty was always so important in my life and for a few weeks I was lying to somebody that I thought I love.
I thought that I was happy (facebook was reminding me about that all the time) so I couldn’t understand why did I damage my marriage? I ended up depressed, I didn’t know who am I any more. It was actually 2 marriages that I destroyed (that’s what I was thinking that time). He was married too. No, we didn't have any kids.
I thought the worst things I could ever think about myself. I could not understand how it happened. I was always so honest and trustworthy. Even at work they were always laughing at me that it would be easier to get the Queen of England for a coffee than me. I disconnected with the world completely. I stopped talking to my friends, disappeared from social media, changed my surname back, stopped talking to anybody who knew us both. Stopped talking to anybody about what is going on with me.
My self esteem disappeared, hatred to myself was growing. I tried to push the person who loved me away too.
But it didn’t work, he stayed forever. He knew who I am, he knew the real me and helped me discover that..
I went through months of counselling, have read the tones of self-help books. I’ve found myself. The real self. I understood what is important to me. I understood what was missing… what made me act as if I was a different person.
I forgave myself.
I am not the same person any more. I’ve learned from that experience. I needed to learn that to appreciate more of what I do, have and who I am now.
I started living in alignment with my personal values. Contribution and doing things for others are the most important to me. So now I do what I love.
I help people through my coaching business and through working with autistic children at school. It brings me fulfillment and so much satisfaction. I know that this story can help others.
If you still feel ashamed for what you have done to somebody. If you hate something about your past or If you hate yourself. You can let go of your old story.
What did you learn from your story? You cannot change the past, but you can change your future. You've learned your lesson. There is a reason for going through a shit - I appreciate my shit - now I do what I love, I love what I do and I live a meaningful life. I am fulfilled. I am connected to people. I love people. I don’t judge. I’m not better than you. I understand. How could your life look like when you let go of your old story? What would be better?
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I’m letting go of my baggage. What about you?